You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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