Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
