I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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