We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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