I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
