You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
my liver is dry heaving
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
