I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
