so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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