Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
