ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
