I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
