You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
