Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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