I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize