planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
