On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
