Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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