I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
