I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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