my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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