let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
