I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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