Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
