I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
