I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
