just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
