I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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