cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
