so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
