i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
