I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
