the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
