eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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