So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
