im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
did i walk over a car last night?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
