I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
