dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
