My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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