You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize