Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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