There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
