she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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