I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
