I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
