My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
