she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just googled if crying burns calories
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
