He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
