I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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