She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
