This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
