I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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