beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
