If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
