I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
