What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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