these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
