if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
