i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
